


Nowhere to Somewhere

by dosanddonts



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-15
Updated: 2015-04-19
Packaged: 2018-02-13 06:56:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2141415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dosanddonts/pseuds/dosanddonts
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Recap: Tobin had moved back to Portland for the first time in years. She meets Alex at the Square randomly and asks for an autograph and repays her with two Cirque De Soliel Tickets. Alex somehow gets her number and she calls Tobin to thank her. They meet up, realize that Tobin played soccer and actually knows a lot of the UNC alums on the USWNT. Also finds out that Tobin lives next door. Things go down when Alex invites Tobin over for dinner and Tobin sees Alex’s roommate who she recognizes. She rushes out, goes to find comfort at Max’s (a friend of hers running a restaurant), gets drunk and ends up at her house but Alex is there. Alex takes care of Tobin and the next morning when Tobin gets up they have the talk…</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note: It has been awhile and I just started writing again and with everyone being so encouraging decided I wanted to pick up where I left off or at least try to. I might be repeating some info in the beginning. Some of the information might not be what you remembered but just bare with me and if you’re new to the story sorry about that. I can try to answer your questions about the earlier plot.

Chapter 10 (?)

 

Alex was sitting up against the backboard of the bed as Tobin slowly sat on the edge of the bed next to Alex.

“How’re you doing?” Tobin carefully asked.

“I think I should be asking you that, no?” Alex replied back in a soft chuckle.

Tobin pursed her lips and took a minute, “Yeah, I guess. I’m all right.”

There was a long pause. It wasn’t that there wasn’t anything to say. There was too much to say and very few ways to say it. There was only one way to say it and it wasn’t the fondest memory Tobin liked to recall… At least not right after last night.

Alex waited for Tobin to say something but when the silence between them was prolonged she just figured Tobin didn’t remember what she promised her last night as she asked her to stay. It wasn’t like she could blame the girl because Tobin was wasted. Alex just continued to fiddle with the mug handle that was in her hand and when she thought she could no longer just sit in the silence but had to do something that’s when Tobin spoke.

“Alex, I haven’t forgotten,” Tobin paused. Alex could see the hesitant look in Tobin’s eyes and the way she let those words out. “I’m just trying to find the right words to tell you so that you won’t go back to your place and question the Linda you know…” Tobin confessed.

“Tobin…”

“Ha… It’s ridiculous, right? I got drunk because I was obviously upset about my ex-girlfriend who tore me apart and here I am still trying to find a way to protect her…” Tobin felt pathetic. “I loved her so much and the pain that she caused was just something… I didn’t see coming. I’m not going to say that it was the worst thing anyone can do but form where we were and what we had, it was the worst thing she could do…” Tobin then sunk her head into her hands as she took a moment to get herself together.

“Tobin, like really. You don’t have to explain it to me. I don’t need to—”

“No,” Tobin said firmly but with much gentleness. “You do. Because I like you. Because what I did yesterday, walking out like that, and what I do won’t make any sense to you without me trying to explain all this,” she was looking straight into Alex’s eyes now. This wasn’t the way Tobin wanted to tell Alex that she liked her or the company or the fact that she felt something she hadn’t for the first time in years. However, for the lack of words to explain why she needed to do this, Tobin had to.

“Until I saw her yesterday, I had told myself that everything was okay. I told myself that I have forgiven her and that I was ready to move on. And I was because I wouldn’t have asked you out on a date if I hadn’t. But, it’s funny how feelings work, right? I just… saw her and everything that I had told myself just vanished and the only thing I could remember were the last three words she told me before I turned the other way and walked away…

“She said, ‘You weren’t enough.’ After six years and through all the ups and downs, and even after I moved back to Portland for _her_ … She said I wasn’t enough.”

Alex didn’t know what she was supposed to. She didn’t want to intrude into Tobin’s personal space or try to comfort her by making her feel as if she’s being pitied. So, Alex just sat there quietly as Tobin started to tell her story…

“I met Linda while I was at UNC. I mean there really isn’t a special story to how we met because she was a trainer for the soccer team and I was recruited to play for UNC. We were just friends until my sophomore year when I went to get my ankle wrapped and she was so sullen. I was about to ask if she was okay but the next time I know, her tears were just falling onto my ankle and my wrap… I was never the sentimental type but at that moment I just wanted to comfort her so I didn’t even ask what happened but pulled her in and held her. After a while later, she got herself together and she was telling me how her childhood dog had passed away. Again, not knowing how to act I was telling her about my experience when my dog passed away to make her feel better but also that they’re at a better place. It was a moment of emotional exchanges. “Well the only problem was that HAO barged into the training room to tell me that I’m late and that coach isn’t happy. So, I hurriedly made my way to the field and of course, coach wasn’t happy at all. He said few things about being late and what not but I kind of made an excuse about getting let out late from class and getting my ankle taped. So, what could have been a team fitness session turned out to be mine. I think I ran about six miles,” recalling this particular moment made Tobin shake her had and actually brought a slight smile across her face to how rough of a moment it was for her.

“Anyway, Linda saw this and felt bad and she wanted to make it up so we went out for dinner. And the rest is just the same old college meet up story. We got close and started dating. What took a turn was my junior year. PSG came to campus for some event and they just happened to see me play. Even though it was very rare for PSG to scout college players I just happened to be really lucky. I had lived to play professional soccer and when the opportunity came I couldn’t just let go. So, I took the offer, dropped out of school and went to France. I mean of course, Linda and I talked about it and I would visit every off-time and she would visit me and we made it work for the three years she had left of her college years. After my three years, I decided to stay in France and things were great. However, I guess she wasn’t always being honest with me. She didn’t tell me how stressed she was about being apart from each other. And, three days before our UEAFA Cup she called me to breakup…

“I was devastated. People say young people get so carried away we plan all this happily ever after only to find ourselves broken hearted. Well, it was different for us. We really had been the perfect couple. We really had everything planned. Even our families would joke about how rare it is for two people to be so compatible. Anyway, she didn’t give me any reason to believe that she meant it and I needed her to tell me in person so being the young self I was, I went straight to the airport, three days before our championship and flew to Portland where she was working then…

“I got to her house and knocked on her door and she was surprised to see me and broke into tears. I guess I saw what I wanted to. As soon as she lost herself in my embrace, I figured she didn’t mean it. It was the stress and the distance that had pushed her to the edge to say that. I even moved to Portland for her, for us.”

This got Alex a little confused and Tobin could tell because if it was what Alex was thinking, that almost seemed impossible. However, Tobin nodded. “Yup, I did. I called PSG and said that I won’t be coming back… Three days before the cup. Thinking back that was a very unprofessional thing to do and I know Raymond hated me back then because he was the one who had to tell PSG that…

“Anyway, I don’t think I even had the time to realize what I was doing because after being apart for so long, it was just nice to be with her. I moved in with her and I soon found a coaching job and everything seemed normal. However, I was wrong… I realized that we had been living a fake life for two years. When I came rushing to her from France that day, I had made the worst mistake of my life. She was caught up in the moment. She had long made up her mind and when she saw me, it was a rush of guilt and yearning memories that made her think otherwise. Basically, I had forced her to come back to me.

“And you’re wondering how… She was seeing someone else. She was with someone even when I was knocking on her door that night and she managed to forget to tell me that… But yeah, long story short of the aftermath of that I quite playing soccer, went back to school, got my masters in sports management, made good with Raymond and now I work for him,” Tobin finished off as she tried to be cool.

Alex was just shocked to hear all this. She just didn’t quite know how to process and feel towards… Mel.

“I’m livid. I’m mad. But, I got up this morning and thought back and realized that it’s not really her fault. It’s true. We never got the closure that we needed and yes, what she did was unfair and cruel and hurtful. But, when I look back right now, I’m mad at her for lying to me than anything. Because I would have rather been hurt from knowing that we weren’t just working than to find out that she was cheating on me while I was away and back and then having to hear that I wasn’t enough.

“I was just so caught in the moment yesterday and I didn’t know how to process it. And, this is me Alex…” Tobin said rather helplessly, “I’ve been torn, I’ve been lost, and I’m still searching. This is me. I’m complicated beyond matters and I don’t trust people. I’ve turned into someone even I don’t recognize. I’ve learned to work ridiculous hours and I sleep around. I’ve learned to put on a smile when I don’t want to. I’ve learned to lie like an involuntary act and I’ve learned to ignore things. This is me Alex. I can’t promise I’ll be any different and maybe I’m thinking too far ahead of myself but if I’m someone you don’t even want to get tangled with, this is your easy way out,” Tobin said. While the speech wasn’t all about butterflies and flowers, she didn’t sound defeated. She sounded rather relieved.

Alex had gotten close to Tobin. She picked up Tobin’s dropped face and made sure Tobin heard her right. “We’re all broken one way or another. You know what’s so beautiful about being broken?”

Tobin just stared at her eyes in silence, “It’s the fact that you can piece things back together and trace those cracks between each piece, only to realize that you’re stronger than ever. Like you,” Alex smiled at the girl who looked so desperate for salvation. To be released from this pain and confusion. “I’ve known you for only so long but it’s amazing how much you can read someone. I know that for you, it’s not how you got hurt but it’s all about how you’re going to forgive her. It’s not about how much you hate her, but it’s about how you want to remember how you loved her. I get it. I’ve been hurt. No one and nothing is perfect but that’s what’s so perfect. The fact that imperfection in all is the real perfection.”

Tobin looked at the girl and she was in awe. She was lost in her words and it only took Tobin a second to realize that what she had been searching for was not to be found because she wasn’t looking for the right thing. It wasn’t about Linda. It was about her. It was about her trying to forgive herself for being so in love and irrational.


	2. Truth Frees You, Then, It Chains You.

Chapter 11

Alex had left Tobin’s apartment and was back at her house. She didn’t quite know where she stood in between all this because the Mel that she knew was the sweetest girl ever and Tobin did have a point, Alex shouldn’t start treating her differently as the problem was between Tobin and Mel. However, it wasn’t easy. Alex slowly made her way down the hallway towards her room only to see Mel’s door ajar. Alex peeked in and she saw that Mel was curled up in her bed with here shoulders shaking. She was crying. Alex had the urge to go in and talk to Mel but she also figured she wasn’t in the position to do that. So, she just moved on and went to her room.

Few days had past and things were _normal_. Niki was finally informed by Alex of what happened at the house between Tobin and Mel and the three of them just pretended like there wasn’t an elephant in the house. They made conversation but didn’t make the extra effort to ask more questions. They just didn’t get into each other’s way. However, the truth was that, the problem really wasn’t between the two of them. The problem was between Tobin and Mel.

Alex and Tobin had been texting but Tobin had asked Alex to give her some space because she needed time to get her head clear before she could actually get closure with Mel. And, Alex understood. Alex knew exactly what kind of closure Tobin needed because she had been Tobin before. With the days going by and Alex just being concerned about Tobin, Alex went to practice, trained hard, and just went on with her day waiting for Tobin to call.

Tobin on the other hand had been in distress. She needed to figure things out with Mel because that was closure. Therefore, after days of contemplation, Tobin finally texted Mel. She had her number from before when she had texted Mel. However, didn’t never thought this was how she was going to contact her again…

 

Tobin: It’s me, Tobin. I think we should talk.

Mel: Hey. Yeah, of course.

Tobin: You free later tonight?

Mel: Mhm.

Tobin: I’ll meet you at Max’s at 6.

Mel: Okay, I’ll see you there. Also, I’m so sorry Tobin.

 

Tobin didn’t reply to Mel’s last text. She didn’t know what Mel was sorry for anymore and she wasn’t about to start something via text. The day was long for both of the girls. Tobin tried to stay focus at work but it was useless. Ray knew that Tobin wasn’t at 100% so around 3 o’clock, he dismissed her early; he was really a good boss and a friend. Off work early, Tobin headed straight to Max’s pub.

“What are you doing here?” Max asked her surprised as Tobin strolled into the bar.

“One, to thank you for taking care of me that night by increasing your revenue. Two, I’m meeting Linda here,” Tobin dropped the big news trying to act casual as she walked passed the counter.

“Oh right.” Max answered.

“Oh right? Haha what are you talking about? You knew?” Tobin said as if he was crazy. Max often got carried away with work that he would just say anything

“I mean really? Here? Out of all the places, you would pick my pub…” Max had this concerning look on his face as he commented.

“Anyway, I haven’t even eaten lunch, so can I get the usual? And a beer. I think I’m going to need one,” Tobin asked.

“You sure drinking right now is a smart idea when you’re going to talk to your ex-girlfriend? I say not,” Max hinted.

“I’m not going to get drunk. I just want one to quench my thirst. That’s all,” Tobin convinced him.

“All right…” Max was not convinced.

The two spent the next hour talking and Tobin was able to loosen up a little. She did have another beer. With half an hour left, Tobin was feeling a little tipsy and Max recommended her to go out and take a nap on the hammock out on the terrace. Tobin who knew better than to drink more before she was about to talk to Mel, listened to Max and laid herself out in the sun. It was a really good day in Portland and she could only wish that their conversation would go half as good as the weather…

It was already 6 but Tobin was still passed out outside. Max wanted to walk her up but figured Tobin probably needed the sleep as he was in the midst of his thoughts, Mel walked in.

“Hey, Max,” Mel greeted him. It wasn’t an “I haven’t seen you in a long time” kind of  “hey.”

“Hey, she’s out on the terrace taking a nap. She had a few drinks and maybe it’d be better if you just let her doze off a little longer before you guys talk. She had a few drinks already,” Max told her.

Mel nodded and took a seat closest to the counter and Max followed her. “Mel, I don’t know what you’re going to say but—”

“You’re right I don’t know but she needs closure and I’m going to give it to her. I’m going to apologize and apologize again and tell her what she wants to hear so that she’s not hung on to our past. I mean, I had to do what I had to do. It’s just how we are as humans. We make our own rational decisions.”

“I know but I still think you should have told her five years ago,” Max let out his honest opinion as she rubbed her back, “It’ll be fine.”

Mel nodded. She slowly got herself up and went to the terrace to find Tobin peacefully asleep. She hadn’t seen the girl like this in years. It almost seemed as if they had never left each other’s side. Not wanting to wake Tobin up, Mel just seated herself to a table close by, got out her laptop and tried to get some work done as she waited for Tobin to get up.

It must have been almost 7 o’clock when Tobin started to wake up. Mel saw the girl slowly turn and rub her eyes. It was like before. It was like five years ago when she would come to Max;s with Tobin and they would just spend their lazy afternoons out in the terrace while Tobin napped and she got work done. However, he sweet thoughts were soon interrupted when Tobin abruptly got up.

“I’m sorry. You should have woken me up,” Tobin said in a rush.

Mel smiled to let Tobin know that it was fine, “It’s fine. Max said you had just fallen asleep when I got here so…” However, the smile wasn’t reciprocated.

“Well… do you want something to drink or anything?” Tobin asked carefully.

“Yeah, um gin and tonic?” Tobin said almost in a way that she knew better than to ask.

“Actually… I don’t drink anymore…” Mel corrected the girl.

 _Wow… Things have changed_. Tobin told herself, “Then?”

“OJ?” Mel said as if she knew what Tobin was going to say next.

“But you don’t— Never mind. Okay,” Tobin didn’t feel right questioning so she just went in and brought back a beer for herself and an OJ for Mel.

The two sat across from each other in silence for a short while. The two took small sips of each other. What seemed like something that would be easy, especially when Tobin had so much to ask and say, this wasn’t quite what she expected. Her lips couldn’t have been more sealed and her head couldn’t have been blanker.

However, Mel triggered what seemed almost of a switch from blank to frustration. “Tobin, I’m sorry…”

It was the apology. Tobin didn’t know what she was apologizing about. If Mel was apologizing about her cheating why hadn’t she said it earlier. Even when Tobin walked out her on that night, Mel never called. Even when Tobin texted her that they were done, Mel never apologized. However, here they were, five years later, why is she apologizing as if she actually feels bad?

 Tobin let out a small chuckle of a sarcastic laugh, “Yeah, you are, aren’t you. Took you five years to say you’re sorry, huh?” Then, Tobin finished her beer and asked the waiter for another one. “What are you apologizing for Linda? Huh?”

Mel just looked at her drink and back at Tobin, “I really am…” Her eyes were getting teary.

The waiter soon came with Tobin’s beer and Mel’s words just made Tobin madder, “It was always like this with you. You would do something and I would get mad and you would just apologize because you don’t want to talk about it. Then, I would ask about why you’re upset and you would just say ‘I just am.’ You didn’t even know why. So, let me give you some options you can choose from to why you’re sorry. A: You’re sorry you cheated. B: You’re sorry you didn’t apologize five years ago. C: You’re sorry you weren't honest with me when I was in Paris. D: You’re sorry you made me come back for you, put aside my career, my championship, only to end up with shit hitting the fan. E: You’re sorry, you didn’t have the decency to call quits in front of my face. F: You’re sorry you’re apologizing but you don’t know why. G: You’re sorry because of all of the above?! HUH?! Answer me damn it! YOU FUCKING OWE ME THAT MUCH!!!” Tobin was livid. She rarely swore and even when she did, it had only been when she was in pain because of an injury. Tobin’s action had gotten the attention of the people at the pub.

Mel was just sobbing. Either she was lost of word because she didn’t know what to say or it was the sobbing. “That’s what I thought. You don’t know,” Tobin took her beer and chugged it. “You know what? This was needed. I feel better. I feel better that you aren’t the same person I fell in love in Carolina. You’re not the same person… Thanks. Linda, you made it all easier,” Tobin placed her empty beer mug on the table and walked out. Mel tried to say something but she couldn’t. The words just wouldn’t leave her mouth.

However, as Tobin stormed out, Max followed after her.

“Tobin!”

Tobin just ignored him and walked passed the tables.

“TOBIN POWELL HEATH!!!” Max yelled as he followed after the girl and grabbed her by her arm.

“Would you give her a chance to talk?! Would you listen to her?! If she’s balling her eyes like that maybe it’s because she needs a minute! You loved her!” Max raised his voice.

“A chance to talk?! You taking her side?! Are you kidding me?! Five years weren’t enough and my career wasn’t good enough?! That’s what it comes down to! She just walked over me and you’re telling me even when an apology may not be good enough, that I should be the one who should understand?! And I did love her! Obviously she didn’t!” Tobin yelled back.

However, Max wasn’t done. He was done being in the middle pretending like he didn’t know anything. It wasn’t his place to but he very much well knew that Mel wasn’t going to. “That’s what you know about her?! That’s what you think about the girl you once loved then?! You’re telling me that the girl you fell in love would do that to you?! You know, everyone talked shit about her. Everyone who knew her for as long as they knew you for, didn’t give her a damn chance and took your side. You ever wondered why she would ever do that to you?!” Max was yelling back as he pointed his finger back to where Mel was as she was facing Tobin.

“What?! You fucking her too?! That’s what it is, huh? You fucked—” And that was it, Max threw a punch.

“That’s for you being so caught up in a moment. I can’t believe how blind you’ve become. Have you ever thought about how much pain she had to go through while that cancer ‘fucked’ her?! Huh?! You ever think that?! You piece of shit. Saying useless crap like that,” it was out. The truth.

Tobin was still on the ground as she slowly brought her graze to Max who had chilled out a little. “Wha…What ar—are you talking about?!” Tobin said as she got up and grabbed Max by his collar.

“MAX! What are you talking about!?!?!” Tobin yelled and this time she had tears in her eyes. Tear drops slowly making their way down her cheeks.

Max was much calm. He felt bad for punching Tobin but she needed it. She needed some sense knocked into herself from him. It was a bro-to-bro punch. Max also knew what he had just dumped on Tobin. It was a mixture of confusion, truth, relief, pain, and guilt.  He slowly grabbed Tobin’s hands that were grabbing his collar and pushed them down and held on to them, “Tobin, Melinda had cancer. She was fighting cancer…” Max said as now Tobin was shaking her head trying to deny what her ears were hearing.

“No, no, no. She would have told me. Max! She would have told me! The Melinda I know would have told me!” Tobin was sobbing uncontrollably, pounding Max’s chest as Max pulled in her closer.

“Shhhhhhh. It’s okay. It’s not your fault. Shhhhhhhh. It’s okay Tobs,” Max said as he pulled her into his embrace. She was broken twice. She was confused twice. She was now going to be lost twice.


	3. Because Sometimes Changes Go Undetected

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long absence! I just couldn't figure out how to go about with it after the way it ended and needed some time to think so worked on my other ones :P Hope you guys enjoy it!

As Tobin was in Max’s embrace, Linda walked out sobbing witness the pain she had caused the girl once again. She stood there helpless. For what seemed like hours, Tobin finally calmed down and got herself together. She wiped her tears dry with her sleeve and gave Max a nod, letting him know that she was somewhat back to earth.

“Tobin, I’m sorry. I really am. She’s been through a lot and…” Max stopped as he realized that Tobin’s attention was elsewhere beyond his shoulders.

Their eyes met and there was no message to be received or sent between the two. The two just stood their lost and confused. Max just pursed his lips and patted Tobin’s shoulder as she walked back towards the pub and as he walked passed Mel he stopped in front of her and gave a knowing look before he spoke.

“I’m sorry it wasn’t my place to say anything and that I did. But, I’m not sorry that she knows. You weren’t going to tell her today or ever. Stop feeling guilty that you got sick. You didn’t ask to get sick. Nobody does. I’m sorry you have to face reality but you know that what I did is much more forgivable than what you were doing to her,” Max knew he did wrong but not entirely wrongful of an act.

The two stood about ten feet from each other, everything remained still; the sound, the moment, the thoughts, and the feelings.

Tobin didn’t know what to do. She was more lost that she ever thought one could be. She stood as she wondered what the girl might have gone through the past six years. The treatment, the gaze, the hatred, and everything else that came with their “breakup.” She couldn't make sense of anything. She didn’t know what to feel anymore.

Mel took the first step. She approached the broken girl ever so carefully. When they were only a foot apart facing each other, Mel slowly lifted her trembling hand for Tobin’s face. It wasn’t until the initial contact the tears started to roll back down both of the girls’ cheeks. With the touch, the lost six years came rushing in. It was hard to put everything together. With the touch, Tobin’s heart maybe started to beat back to that life six years ago. She looked into the once familiar eyes in front of her and that’s all she had to before she reached up to hold Mel’s very hand on her face. The two girls just stood in the midst of the quiet breezy fall of the street in Portland.

An hour later, the two girls found themselves back at Max’s, sitting across from each other. There was no starting point to this conversation. There was so much catch up, so many questions, and two very lost people to know where to start. However, Tobin was done waiting. She was not going to just let this go. So, she found the courage to just go for it and ask away whether it was blunt or not.

“I don’t care, I want to know it all. I want to know when you found out about it, where you went for treatment, how your post-ops went, if you’re still getting treatment, and everything else that you think I need to know.”

Mel just looked down at her fiddling fingers, took a deep breath and brought her gaze back to the girl in front of her. “Tobin, how are—”

“No, you don’t get to ask me questions. I do. I need answers. I need answers right now Melinda. You don’t get to tell me what to do. I don’t care if you had cancer or not! You lied to me. You left me thinking all this time that there was something wrong between us and, you were right. There was something wrong: you. So, cut all that sorry bullshit and if you’re really sorry start talking” Tobin was not going to take it. She was done playing nice. She was livid. However, she was worried. She was worried about the girl she loved for so long. She was wondering how much she had to through by herself all this time just because she didn’t want to be a burden.

“When did you find out?”

“A little after you visited during your time off in October,” she didn’t even have to tell her exactly when that was. Tobin knew.

“How bad was it?”

She paused. She couldn’t exactly answer her straight out.

“I asked you, how bad was it,” Tobin demanded as she said quietly with her jaws clenched.

“Going into stage three.”

“And you didn’t tell me?!” The anger had come back ever so quickly.

“Tobin, you were going to leave everything! Soccer, your team, just everything! To what? Take care of me who was dying? That’s stupid!” Mel thought she was making a point.

“Hmm… Stupid. And, me coming to be with you after I heard that you wanted to break up with me because of the distance wasn’t stupid enough? That wasn’t enough to show you how serious I meant when I said I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, huh?” Tobin scoffed.

“I thought you’d go back. I thought you’d leave…” Mel said with contrition.

“You thought! You thought everything out for me! You thought about my future, my life, my career, your cancer, just everything, huh?! Well guess what? This is where your thoughts have brought us. It left me broken for years and for what? For nothing Mel! For absolutely nothing!  You know what makes me furious though? What if we had decided to get married? You would have just done the same thing and left me,” Tobin made a bold point.

“No, that would have been different,” Mel objected.

“It would have been. It would have been the exact same and that just makes me mad. Makes me mad that you underestimated what we had. I mean, I guess they really don’t mean it when they say in ‘sickenss in health’ or more like you wouldn’t have said that part,” Tobin blurted out sarcastically.

There was nothing Mel could say. In her defense, she really just wanted to reduce whatever pain she would cause Tobin from her being sick and even dying eventually. It was never in her plans after she got cancer that a miracle would happen and she would be okay.

“Tobin… I…,” Mel tried to reach out for Tobin’s hand.

“No, I’m sorry. I can’t. You don’t get to just expect me to understand,” Tobin got up and she walked out. She walked right passed Max, got in her car and drove off.

The situation was elusive. There was no way to find what was going on. Tobin didn’t know what to do. She drove to the riverside park just outside of town and sat there in silence for the longest time.

For what seemed like hours later, someone approached the girl who was sitting on the bench by the river.  The sun was about to set. That’s how much time had passed.

“Hey, stranger,” it was a familiar voice. Tobin didn’t turn around but the stranger placed her hand on Tobin’s shoulders and sat herself down next to the pensive girl. It was Alex. Right after Tobin had left, Alex called Max to see how things went. Max then told Alex the gist of the situation and that Tobin just left and drove off. Alex didn’t exactly know where Tobin might have went but she remembered Tobin once telling her that there was a spot by the riverside that she would go to clear her mind. To say that it was easy to find Tobin was a lie because the riverside was stretched over a distance of eight miles and Alex had walked along the whole riverside before she found Tobin.

“How are you doing?” Alex asked slowly.

No answer. However, Alex didn’t push for an answer. She just leaned on Tobin’s shoulder and wrapped her arm around hers and intertwined their fingers. It was a friendly gesture in which Alex was trying to show Tobin that she’s not alone nor did she have to try to deal with it by herself. The two of them sat in silence for a little longer before Alex spoke.

“When I found out that my boyfriend cheated on me… I was surely broken. I didn’t see it coming. Because just like you and Mel, we had planned everything, I was even engaged but it all happened so fast and I couldn't get myself to accept that it was actually happening to me. I mean, not to sound haughty or anything but I’m a well-known women soccer star and I had everything or so I thought. I couldn’t believe that there was something I couldn’t give him. But you know what? I realized that it wasn’t what he needed but it was about what I wanted. I wanted soccer and I couldn’t give him the kind of relationship he wanted. It took me a long time to understand that and accept that. It really did. I mean yes, it was wrong of him to cheat and leave me hanging. However, it wasn’t completely his fault either, I wasn’t exactly the girlfriend/fiancée of the year or even remotely close. What Mel did to you was horrible and it’s not fair but it wasn’t out of spite. She really just wanted to free you from pain. And, it’s going to take for you to understand and accept that but Tobin, you should know that. I know you still care about her and love her…” That last part just was quiet but it seemed to be ringing in the silence. She couldn’t believe that she was comforting the girl she likes that it wasn’t her ex-girlfriend’s fault…

“Why are you saying things like this to me? I thought you like me?” Tobin responded as she now turned towards Alex to face her. Their eyes met and they held the gaze for a little bit.

“Because right now, I’m helping a friend. Because I’m doing what feels right and not trying to play a game. Because for you to move on you actually need to move on,” Alex said with a small smile.

In the midst of these mix feelings from the past about closure and complications, there was one thing that seemed right, this. Not giving Alex a chance to realize what was happening, Tobin kissed her. It was a nice long kiss that was nothing but simplicity. Tobin pressed her lips onto Alex’s. Alex’s eyes grew big and as she was about to push Tobin because she didn’t think this was a rational decision, Tobin beat her to it. Tobin pulled herself away from Alex. With her hand still cupping Alex’s face, Tobin stared into the girl’s eyes.

“I know for so many reasons I shouldn’t have done that because you’re thinking it was impetuous and I did it because of this feeling of desperation but it’s not. I wanted to since I saw you when we met on the street and I gave you the tickets. It was the first time in five years that I felt so drawn to someone. That was me trying to tell you that Mel or no Mel I still feel the same way. I’m sorry I just…” Tobin couldn’t find the right words. Yes, her action was very rash but she just needed Alex to know that she wasn’t some rebound or a “passing by” kind of person. However, she felt sorry. She couldn’t help but think of the position she had put Alex into.

“Tobin,” Alex slowly said as she lifted Tobin’s head so she could see her eyes, “It’s okay. I understand,” Alex said with a small smile. “I know it’s not easy. It’s okay. One day at a time.”

It was crazy to think that she was so heart broken one second about Mel and the next second she was kissing Alex. However, little did Tobin know that she had already started to move on by letting Alex in and letting go of Mel or to be more precise, the anger, the hatred, and the past.


	4. Even a Blind Man Couldn’t Have Missed It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for being MIA I just haven't been able find a direction for the story. I was thinking about finishing the story but what's better than a little drama, right? :) I hope things make sense and if not, feel free to comment and ask. And, you'll read about Max but I wanted to give him more of a role so decided to put a little more story behind him. Hope you guys are well and enjoy!

It has been two weeks since Tobin learned about Mel. It has been two weeks since Tobin decided to live with Max, just in case she would accidentally bump into Mel. It has also been two weeks since Tobin and Alex talked. It wasn’t that Tobin was trying to play games or confuse Alex. But, she felt like she needed to really get over and set everything right before she moved on. And, Alex understood. It sucked for the forward to just sit and wait for Tobin but there wasn’t Alex could do to help and she respected Tobin’s way of dealing with her feeling.

“Hey, you’re home early,” Tobin said from the couch with her laptop on her lap when Max walked in.

“Yeah, we’re still working on renovating the bar so there aren’t a lot of people anyway so decided to come home early. How about you? Wanna…?” Max said as he grabbed two beers from the fridge with his usual grin.

“Haha, so you brought the bar home I see. Sure. Let me just finish up with this report,” Tobin replied as she quickly wrapped up her report due Monday. She really didn’t have to work on it on a Friday night but she wanted to get it done it over with so she could have the weekend to do other things.

“So, how’re you doing? I feel like I don’t see you any more than I did when you didn’t live here,” Max chuckled as they clinked their beers and took a sip.

“Yeah well, work is taking much of my time,” Tobin said as she fiddled with her beer.

“Work taking your time or you giving work your time?” Max knew what Tobin was doing. While she did say that she was trying to figure things out, he also knew that Tobin wasn’t exactly taking the direct approach to her figuring out process.

“You just know me so well don’t you?” Tobin let out as she took a big sip this time. “I’m not avoiding if that’s what you’re trying to ‘accuse’ me of. I just feel like I need to not think about it since it’s the only thing I think about even when I’m trying not to… I realized that it’s one thing to try and understand what she did and I get it. I really do but after all we’ve been through, I can’t believe that she thought so low of me…”

“Tobs, I think you’re just trying to come up with excuses to be mad at her,” Max said carefully.

“I’m not. I promise. I wish she told me. Then quitting soccer would have had a purpose. Giving up my career would have had a much better purpose. And when she found out that I quit soccer, that I was so broken to do anything because I thought she was cheating on me, she still couldn’t come clean?” Tobin was in disbelief as she finished her beer and reached for another one in the mini fridge behind her.

“I don’t want to take sides and I definitely am not saying that what Mel did was right. But, have you put yourself in her shoes? Have you thought about you possibly knowing that you’re dying and your girl is just doing so well and having to know that the reason why her future might end is because of you? Mel didn’t think you would—”

“Oh just pretend like my girlfriend of six years didn’t mean anything and be mad and continue on with my life?! Max, are you hearing yourself? I would have gladly given up everything for her not because she asked but because I wanted to. Because I was ready to say all that “rich poor, sickness, health, death do us apart” thing! Sigh… forget about it. What good is it now? I’m over her but I just can’t stop wondering what those six years meant for her. She couldn’t just tell me?” Tobin was exasperated as she finished her second beer.

“She…” Max just shook his head and finished his beer too. The two friends sat in the loft living room talking about something else. It was apparent that Max wasn’t going to try and make Tobin understand. He was one of the very few people who saw Mel through everything. He saw her through the breakup, the chemo, the recovery, and her struggle to stay alive. And, Max knew better than anyone why Mel did what she did because he was Mel before. There was a time when Max thought he was going to die and had to push everyone away. He called off his engagement and left his high school sweetheart who was about to be the next big Hollywood star. What good is it to leave someone with so much potential with nothing but a broken heart and future? Nothing.

Tobin was obviously drunk, as she got loud and rowdy. Max had to force her to stay in bed so she wouldn’t try to drink more. The best part was that it wasn’t even eleven when Tobin finally went to bed. He quietly sat back on the couch and helped himself to another beer when his phone rang.

“Hey, what’s up?” Max answered with a smile

“Ummmmmm, I was telling my co-workers how great this one pub is in town and got them all worked up only to realize that it’s closed?”

“Haha aww, I’m sorry! We’re renovating the bar for the new few days so figured we close early. Bring them over again, it’ll be on the house,” Max replied.

“All right, I’m going to hold you up for that!”

There was an awkward silence coming after Max heard the laugh on the other line so he interjected the silence before it came. “How are you Mel?” His tone was sincere.

“I’m good. I mean, I haven’t seen her once since that day at your pub so… Or her car here,” Mel silently trailed that last bit off.

“Yeah well… Tobin’s staying at my place. She’s been here for the last two weeks. Sorry Mel,” Max confessed, guilty about not telling her sooner.

“Hmmm I should have assumed… Don’t be sorry Max. How is she?”

“You know her. Pretending as if she’s okay but she’s just confused. You know, I told you that I understand you but I also told you that I regret what I did. If I had died, that would have been that but that’s not the case. I’m alive, thank God, but I live wondering what could have been if I didn’t do what I did. And, my case is the better version of our two situations… I can’t tell you anymore what you should or can do because my story didn’t end with my girl finding out about the truth…”

“I know Max… I know… I deserve this…” Mel sounded sullen.

“Okay, listen to me and you listen carefully. Not body EVER deserves this nor cancer. So, don’t ever say that. You understand?” Max made sure he was not joking.

“Okay… Sigh… Max, there were times I really thought about telling and while my words came all the way to my tongue, I couldn’t… I tried but I just couldn't… I just want her to be okay. Sometimes I still wonder what things could have been between us but it’s just a waste of time now…”

“Mel, she’ll be okay with time. Just give her some time to get around it,” Max assured her.

“Thanks Max. I really don’t know what I would have done without you. Haha… I don’t even want to think about it,” Mel said with a soft chuckle shaking her head.

“All right girl. Sorry about the pub thing, bring them in tomorrow even and I’ll make sure I save you some face,” Max laughed.

“Haha sounds good, good night and thanks for taking care of her,” Mel replied.

“Of course, good night Mel,” and he hung up. Only if things in life were simple would he be back with his girl and Tobin and Mel would find a way to understand each other.

Another two weeks passed. Max was actually really enjoying Tobin being around because both of them worked crazy hours and by the time he came home, Tobin would still be working on stuff and they’d have a beer or two; Ray allowed Tobin to work flexible hours wherever she wanted as long as the work was being done and prospective athletes were being scouted. And of course, Tobin was really good at what she did.

It was one afternoon when Tobin was downloading a new package from a high school coach of a new possible athlete for the agency. As she clicked on the download button an error window popped up. It read: “Memory storage is full. Please delete or backup drive.”

“Uhhh crap!” Tobin knew this was bound to happen since it had been a while since she last backed up her computer. Tobin took this as a sign to take a break form her work and start deleting stuff in her laptop. What she thought was going to be a quick job for a short work-break turned out to be a three hour long process. She couldn’t believe how much crap she had on her laptop starting from cookies from years ago, short clips she downloaded from family and friends over the years. She deleted almost 60 GB of junk.

As Tobin was about to finish up with her “clean up,” she noticed a folder named “US.” And, she knew what it was. It was a file of her and Mel that she had always backed everything up to… Tobin stared at it for the longest time wondering whether she should open it or just trash it. For what seemed like hours, Tobin clicked on it.

There were pictures after pictures of the two of them. She unconsciously clicked on one of Mel. It was weird how years after she still remembered exactly when these were sent and what they were about. The first one was of Mel baking cookies for her Christmas party at her firm back then. She was suffering from a cold and was complaining how her boss still made her go. So, Mel was cursing that she was going to get everyone sick at the party. Tobin chuckled softly recalling the memory only to remember that her boss wanted her there so she could announce Mel’s promotion. The second picture was of Mel looking like a ghost from all the work that came with the promotion. Tobin remembers skyping with her while she was busily writing reports. The third picture of Mel showing her new haircut that she got for the spring. Again, Tobin said something about Mel always being so ahead of herself because the photo was taken in January and spring wasn’t anywhere close. The fourth picture was of Mel and Max at the pub. They were seated inside but their faces were pink because they stupidly sat outside on the patio in the cutting January wind; even thought Portland’s winter wasn’t bad as the Midwest or the East Coast, it was still cold. She couldn’t believe how stupid they were and zoomed into the picture to look at their red rosy cheeks and chuckled at their stupidity. And that’s when something caught her eye. There was a paper on the table and it roughly read: “Melinda K. Palino…… hon’s Hospital…. Chemotherapy… Third Sessi… Fe…2, 2008 (Monday).”

Tobin couldn’t believe her eyes and took another look with her glasses on this time. She couldn’t believe it. Then, something came to her mind and she frantically started to click through all the photos that Mel had sent her after January and there they were… Every picture that Mel sent her while she was cooking in her kitchen, in the background Tobin saw the number of “vitamin” pill bottles increase, Mel’s face getting thinner which she blamed it on the long hours, and her starting to wear beanies and hoods complaining that it was “cold” in her new $800,000 upscale company penthouse. She couldn’t believe her eyes. Then, something else came to her mind. She quickly clicked on the “Text Messages” folder and clicked on the “2008 January” folder and slowly started to scroll through it and started reading.

 

January 6:

_Babe: Hey, hope your practice went well. Text me when you’re done. I want to tell you something._

_Me: Sorry babe. Lindsey wanted to go get some drinks and my phone ran out of batteries. I hope you’re sleeping well and I miss you!_

 

January 10:

_Me: Babeeeeeee! Where are you? I thought we were going to skype today?_

_Babe: Sorry! I was working ):_

_Me: Working on a Saturday?! Seriously? Your boss needs to calm her ass down._

_Babe: Haha I know, right? Can we talk like tomorrow?_

_Me: Sure! (:_

January 12:

_Mel: Hey, I was wondering if you can skype today?_

_Me: Sorry, I have a double header coming up starting tomorrow so kind of busy with the team ):_

January 14:

_Mel: You freer now?_

_Me: Why hi to you too. And, yes my game went well. How are you?_

_Mel: I’m sorry babe! I totally forgot. How did you play?_

_Me: It’s fine don’t worry. We’re out right now, I’ll call you later._

January 18:

_Mel: I really miss you and had a really hard day… Tired and wish you were here._

_Me: Hi babe (: You can’t POSSIBLY be more tired than me! We ran like twenty 120s today I think… It was so crap. Skype soon?_

January 20:

_Me: BABEEEEE!!!!! WE WON!!! WOOT! We’re going to make it to the playoffs! Well, before that we’re all going to Sicily for a mandatory team-bonding trip! ((:_

_Mel: Congrats Tobin!!! Gosh so proud of you! So, is that before you come visit (((: Can’t wait to see you!_

_Me: Oh crap….. Shit… It’s during then…._

_Mel: What does that mean….?_

_Me: Babe, I’m so sorry but I probably won’t be able to make it towards the end of this month then… This is a mandatory trip for the team and I can’t miss it._

_Mel: Tobin, but we’ve been planning this for like months and I really miss you and need you._

_Me: Me too! But I really don’t think I can find a way out of this one babe… ):_

_Mel: Tobin… I really need you here… I’m losing… hope…_

 

Tobin remembers that phone call very clearly. After she read those words on he screen she called and was asking what Mel meant by “hope.” Tobin kept on asking if she was breaking up with her and Mel kept saying no but wouldn’t explain more than that. They argued on the phone and it just ended up being a deadlock conversation. The two only exchanged short good morning, how was your day, and good night texts the next three days.

 

January 23:

_Me: I’m sorry Mel.  Can we just call it and be okay? I just… I know you would never mean such a thing but I just read too much into the situation._

_Mel: I’m sorry too. It was short on my part. Soccer is your job and I know you would understand if I had to go on a business trip. I’m sorry Tobin. I’ll see you in two months anyway._

_Me: Sorry about that too. I miss you so much and love you babe_

_Mel: It’s fine. Don’t be sorry about doing your job. I miss you and love you too._

 

And that’s when Tobin realized… She was shaking and tears were rolling down her cheeks. How she have been so ignorant?! How could she have even considered herself to be “considerate” missing all the signs?! How could she have been so dumb to be so obsessed with her career to have noticed that things weren’t looking normal?! How dare did she yell and complain and criticize Mel for not understanding her and making the decision for her when clearly, even herself, saw how blind she was when it came to soccer. It wasn’t that Mel didn’t want to tell her but Mel couldn’t after she knew what soccer meant to Tobin. Mel just couldn’t dare be the reason to pull the girl away from her dream… Even a blind man couldn’t have missed it. Tobin grabbed her jacket and her keys and drove off busily to Downtown Avenue…

 


	5. Don't you think life is like a twizzler?

It had been six years but she knew the roads in and out. Tobin drove her car frantically towards Downtown Avenue. Not that the drive was that far from Max’s place, Tobin drove straight to the front of Mills Tower and didn’t even bother to parking it.

“Excuse me miss! You can’t part your car here! You need—” Before the security guy could even finish his sentence, Tobin had rushed into the building and was pressing the 37th floor in anxiety. _This can’t be true! This can’t be true! There is no way I could have been that stupid… No, there’s no way._ Tobin’s mind was just everywhere and she didn’t even realize the now bigger group of security guards following her but luckily, the elevator door closed before they got there.

When the door finally opened, she rushed out to the hallway and immediately turned left. As Tobin turned the corner, she bumped into someone. Someone she knew very well and it wasn’t the fondest memory she ever had of a person.

“Tobin Heath?” the man said as he helped Tobin gain her balanced after she ran into him.

“I just need to—” Tobin couldn’t finish her sentence. It was almost like her mind was afloat and her body was just trying to catch up with her.

“Look, Tobin I hope you understand that…”

“Luke, I know. You don’t have to apologize. I just need to talk to Melinda right now. Is she in her office?” Tobin was begging to be let go so she could be on her way.

“Yeah,” Luke said as he let her go and Tobin went running down the hall. As soon as he let her go, the security guards finally out rushing from the elevator.

“Sir! She’s –”

“Martin, I know her. She’s here to see Ms. Palino,” Luke assured them.

“But she parked her car in the front of the building sir…” Martin said almost as if he was going to be screwed for letting it happen.

“It’s fine. Don’t worry about,” Luke reassured him as he gave him a pat on his shoulder before Luke looked back once again at Tobin turning the corner into Melinda’s office and started walking towards his. _What took her so long?_ Luke wondered as he shook his head.

“So, I guess that we can finally close our de— Tobin? I’m going to have to call you back. Bye. What are you doing here?” Melinda said in shock. Tobin was the last person she wanted to see.

Tobin just stood there helplessly as she tried to catch her breath. However, it wasn’t her breath she needed to catch up to but her stupidity that led them to where they were. She took another step into Melinda’s office and finally started sobbing quietly, her shoulders slouching and her breathing uneven. Tobin tried to talk and opened her mouth but the words wouldn’t come out. Where was she to start?

The instant Melinda saw Tobin struggle she could sense what this was about. Tobin must have realized something. It was difficult to watch her stand in her office looking so helpless and guilty. Melinda started taking steps closer but Tobin held her hand out to motion that she shouldn’t come any closer; Tobin just needed a moment

“I… I…. I’m really sorry,” Tobin finally let out, “I was so selfish and just blind that I didn’t even see that you were trying to tell me. I told myself day and night that I would never take you for granted because you are the best thing that had and would ever happen to me that I promised myself that hurting you and taking you for granted would be the last thing I would do. I… wanted nothing more than for you to be happy. I thought that was it. I thought you were happy. I assumed. I chose to see what I wanted because I was so close to what was in front of me… because I knew… or I thought I had everything else… I… I… I’m so very really sorry. I deserve whatever punishment there is for bring such an oblivious ignorant asshole. I am so sorry baby, I really didn’t mean to. And thinking back, I think God was punishing me for something that I didn't know I was doing wrong until now. It makes all sense, the soccer, the heartbreak, the long lonely nights. They all make sense now because the instant I didn’t listen to you, that’s when I had broken everything,” Tobin spilled it all out as tears continued to stream down her face.

The girl said everything as if she had really broken the law and she was ready to be sentenced to whatever punishment it was. Melinda slowly approached Tobin and reached out. When Tobin didn’t pull away, she pulled the crying girl into her arms and hugged her tight.

“It wasn’t your fault. It was mine. I couldn’t ask you to do that because I was being selfish and I didn’t want to feel guilty and I guess my selfishness brought us here… Shhhh it’s okay Tobin. It’s okay,” Melinda comforted the girl. Tobin stayed in Melinda’s arms for a very long time. Knowing that things weren’t going to be solved right away, Luke had flown by himself to London for their business trip; for Melinda, that business trip was long gone from her schedule the instant Tobin walked in.

Over the period of an hour, comforting Tobin, Melinda offered to drive Tobin back to Max’s. Tobin didn’t protest and just followed Melinda’s lead as she knew that she was in no state to drive. When the two got to Max’s, Melinda helped Tobin into the house and helped her into her bed in the guest room. It was almost as if over the three hours since Tobin found about the truth and her returning home, she had caught a deadly illness that drained all the energy out of her body; Melinda could feel Tobin’s body overheating. Tobin’s head was burning and she was shivering. It reminded Melinda of the time Tobin had gotten pneumonia from practice and all she wanted to do was sleep and eat chicken soup. That was it though. The two had way too much history to be ignored. It was one thing for tow people to part ways because they stop loving each other but it’s another to part ways because of a misunderstanding.

Melinda stood by the end of the bed and tucked her and gave the fragile girl another long look before she turned around to leave. But, the sick girl in bed had managed to reach out for Melinda’s hand and grab it in time.

“Can you hold me like you used to?” There was no intention of anything or a purpose to the girl’s tone. It came out as it was: raw and yearning.

While Melinda knew a sober Tobin who wasn’t overwhelmed by such thoughts and feelings would not ask her, she couldn't say no. She quietly nodded and made her way around the bed, behind Tobin. She took her shoes off and lifted the comforter and crawled underneath it. She snaked her arm ever so carefully around the brunette’s waist and rested her head on Tobin’s back. It felt new but it felt old. It felt different but it felt the same. It felt right but it felt wrong. But, it wasn’t until Tobin wrapped her arm around Melinda’s arm that was around her waist that Melinda stopped thinking and started feeling. It was as if things wereback to the way they were. As she slowly placed a soft kiss on top of Tobin’s head, she heard Tobin mumble, “I wish I didn’t have to ask…” and she drifted off to sleep.

There were no answers and it was hard to seek for answers. Tobin had finally learned the truth and it broke in a new way that it brought her back together. It was when like pulling apart a forcefully put together puzzle pieces.

Three hours had passed and both of them were starting to wake up from their nap. Tobin needed a break and Melinda really hadn’t had much sleep the past few weeks since her and Tobin had finally cleared the air at Max’s.

Tobin groggily untangled herself from Melinda’s embrace and rubbed her eyes to check the time. It was almost eight o’clock. She then slowly turned around and faced a still very sleepy Melinda who was just beginning to shift and turn.

Melinda soon realized that the movement next to hers was Tobin waking up and she would feel Tobin’s eyes on her so after counting to ten in her head she slowly opened her eyes. Much to her surprised she saw at smiling Tobin whose head was supported by her one arm with the other was reaching over to remove a strain of loose hair from Melinda’s face.

“Hi,” Tobin said as she still had her eyes promptly on Melinda.

“Hi,” although there was a lot to be discussed, Melinda ignored all that and returned the smile.

It was as if time had turned and everything had been still. There was no time or space for the two of them to think about anything else but each other. At least for that time being, they were only for each other and only knew of each other.

“I’ve missed you,” Tobin slowly said as she reached out and softly stroked Melinda’s cheek.

“I’ve missed you too,” she replied as she reached for Tobin’s hand that was on her face and held on to it.

They stared into each other’s eyes and as if there was a gravitational pull that could not be fought, they came closer and closer to each other. With their foreheads touching and their lips just a breath away, Melinda finally filled in that small gap with the very few words she could say.

“Tobin but Alex…”

Tobin’s eyes never left Melinda’s eyes, “I’m with you right now, aren’t I?” and she brought her lips on to hers and kissed her. With her hand now wrapped around Melinda’s neck and face, the two of them just wanted to lose themselves in each other’s embrace. Did Tobin feel guilty? Yes. However, did she feel like she was doing something wrong? No. That kiss felt anything but wrong. Melinda’s touch, presence, and company were what she yearned for all this time and it felt even better after knowing that she had all the rights and reasons to miss them because before, Tobin felt as if she was helplessly stupid to want something from someone who had hurt her so bad.

Soon the hands roamed the familiar bodies, clothes came off and things were the way they were six years ago. Tobin’s lips found the curves on Melinda’s body, and Melinda’s body craved for those touches as she silently arched her back, closed her eyes, and just basked in the moment of the past that she wanted so much.

After about and hour or two the two finally caught their breath. It was getting cold so Tobin got up and put on a sweatshirt and a pair of sweatpants before she got Melinda a sweatshirt too. “Wow, it’s all still there,” Tobin said as she had a smile across her face.

“You must have had some good practice in since now and then,” although six years ago this would have been a joke that got a good laugh out of the both of them, Melinda knew that instant that she might have made a big mistake.

“Tobs, I don’t—”

“Yeah, I did. I probably slept with more girls than the number of soccer cleats I had. There were days I was drunk more often than I was sober. I did. I did sleep with a lot of girls and it became pretty easy to have mindless, mind blowing sex,” Tobin said without blinking an eye or even with a slightest sense of hesitation. Melinda had a brief idea of what Tobin was like because she had been keeping up with her news from Max but it didn’t hurt any less hearing it form Tobin.

“And I think it made sex better between them and me because I was always mad. I was mad at them for being mad at you. It was hard and rough and I gave zero space for anything else,” this wasn’t like Tobin. She had always been so reserved and sweet and gentle and this side of Tobin was starting to startle Melinda a little.

There was a long silence and Tobin was just lying on the bed with her hands behind her head while Melinda didn’t quite know how to react or respond to. Why was Tobin telling her this? Even though they weren’t together and Tobin had all the rights to be with someone, it still felt like Tobin was purposely trying to hurt her. It felt as if Tobin had really planned this evil revenge to think that she was forgiven, only to make her feel the pain even more.

Melinda swiftly wiped a tear that was about to drop and quickly turned around, got up from the bed and was about to leave. And, that ‘s when Tobin grabbed her wrists for the second time that day. “No matter how many girls I slept with or how many girls I kissed, they weren’t you. It wasn’t like this. I was never lost in them or caught up thinking what they would want for breakfast in the morning. There were no mornings with them. There were no nights with them. They were merely split seconds of insanity that made me wonder who I was trying to be. They weren’t you and I think I did what I did to see if I met enough of them I would somehow find someone at least like you… That’s why I’m telling you this. That’s why I don’t want you to leave and that’s why I want you back…” Tobin finished as she carefully turned Melinda’s face towards her and stared into her eyes.

Melinda was speechless. Could this really be true or was this a dream? She had happy tears in her eyes and she couldn’t believe what was happening. She wanted nothing but to make good with Tobin. She wanted nothing but to tell Tobin the whole truth and make up for lost time and she was finally given the chance to. The two smiled back at each other as Melinda nodded furiously while tears still streaming down her face. Tobin pulled the girl in front of her closer for a kiss.

“Haha you’re going to laugh at this but—”

Dead silence.

“Alex…” It was Max and Alex walking into Tobin’s room; Alex had talked to Max earlier and had finally gotten the approval from Max that things seemed to have finally mellowed down with Tobin and that Tobin was even asking about how her and Alex should go about things from. It was a _clear sign_ according to Max that Tobin was ready. So, Alex had decided to bring late night snacks for the three of them after Max closed early.

“I… Um… I—I… I’m going to go,” Alex stuttered as she abruptly handed the bag of food in her arms to Max and rushed out the door.

“Alex!” Tobin shouted as she got out of her bed and followed after her.

“Umm, what?!” Max finally let out, shocked himself.

“It just… Yeah… We haven’t talked about things in depth. She came by the office crying and she found out about everything… like the early stuff…” Melinda couldn’t lift her head and explain to Max or be happy about her and Tobin because of the situation really didn’t allow much of that to happen.

Max could sense what was going on in Melinda’s head. He also knew what she had gone through better than anyone. “Mel. Hey, look at me,” Max placed the stuff in his arms on the floor and took a seat next to Mel on the bed.

“I’m happy for you. I know this isn’t the ideal situation but I’m happy for you. And, I know what you’re thinking. You’re not a mistress and Tobin didn’t cheat on Alex. They weren’t together and they still aren’t. So, don’t beat yourself about something that you wanted all along. If I were you and my girl was in front of me, boyfriend or no boyfriend, husband or no husband, I would have done what you did without even thinking about it for a split second. You, have more control than I do and I’m telling you that you have done nothing wrong. As for Alex… that’s not something you should try to figure out. It’s what Tobin needs to do. Okay?” Max assured her.

“But what if she choose to be with…” This was a real concern of Melinda’s.

“I can’t tell you that but you know who can? You. You know the answer. Whatever your heart feels is what Tobin’s going to do whether that may be her coming back to you or you thinking that this was the final closure between the two. But that, only you will know,” even though it wasn’t a comforting answer, Melinda knew that Max was right. What her heart felt was what Tobin was going to do and right now, it wasn’t being very convincing.

On the other hand, outside, Tobin had ran after Alex and finally caught up to her.

“Alex, let me explain,” Tobin said.

“It’s fine. I’ll be fine. I would have done the same thing if I found out that my ex-girlfriend had broken up and lied to me just to protect me. I would have too. I’m going to go. You should go back,” was all Alex said as she got into her car and drove off without even looking back.

“Shit...” Tobin said as she stood looking abandoned in the driveway. Tangled like a ball of yarn.  _How am I going to set things right?_ Tobin thought to herself. _  
_


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took sooooooo long. I just really needed a direction I really wanted to go with. Hope you guys enjoy it!

Tobin came back in with her head hung low. Max and Mel were standing by the kitchen counter and they already had a feel about how that conversation went outside.

            “Sorry, I didn’t know you guys would be here. I just thought— Since— I’m sorry,” Max first broke the silence.

            “Don’t be sorry, it’s your house,” Tobin said with a small smile on her face but the distress on her face was clearly visible. Mel who didn’t know exactly what to say just slowly made her way next to Tobin and slipped her arm around Tobin’s waist. Tobin reciprocated as she wrapped her arm around Mel’s shoulders. While she hoped to find some comfort, it didn’t seem like she was getting much comfort. The three somehow managed to get through the awkward silence and they got themselves comfortable in front of the T.V. with the take-outs and started eating. Although it was obvious that all three of them were acting as if nothing happened. They casually talked about Max’s business, Tobin’s work, and Mel’s work; everything was on a low key.

            “Well, I’m going to go back to the store,” Max said as he got up and cleaned after his spot; he really didn’t have to but at the same time, it would have been weirder because they were at his house and he knew that the two needed to talk.

            “Okay, well, you going to be late?” Tobin asked just nodding her head.

            “I mean, probably the usual since I’ll be there for closing. But I’ll let you know otherwise,” Max informed them.

            “Sounds good. Thanks for the food,” Mel said with a smile.

            “Yeah, anytime,” Max answered even though it was Alex who bought dinner.

            With that, Max left for the store and Tobin and Mel cleaned up after themselves as well and came back to where they were sitting on the couch. They turned the T.V. on and some movie was on but neither one of them were paying attention. Mel could see Tobin’s mind elsewhere and even though it felt so right and comfortable to be next to Tobin just few hours ago, Tobin’s arm felt rigid and cold.

            “Hey,” Mel said finally about 45 minutes into the movie. Tobin didn’t answer.

            “Hey,” Mel said a little louder this time.

            “Hey, yeah? Sorry,” Tobin finally broke out of whatever thought that was running through her head and she turned towards Mel.

            “We don’t have to watch this,” Mel recommended.

            “No, it’s fine. I like it,” Tobin said as convincingly as she could.

            “What’s it about then?” Mel asked skeptically.

            “It’s about umm… that man and his father, duh,” Tobin answered.

            “Right…,” Mel chuckled and she turned the T.V. off and Tobin faced Mel again. “Hey, we should talk.”

            “Talk about what?” Tobin could sense the seriousness of the conversation creeping in.

            “About this whole situation.”

            “Mel, there isn’t a situation,” Tobin said with a small smile and went in to kiss Mel.

            “No, stop Tobin,” Mel said as she laid her hand on Tobin’s chest and slightly pushed her. “We might have spent years apart but that doesn’t mean that I forgot how to read you. I know that look and you’re confused,” Mel admitted. She did know Tobin and the look on Tobin’s face was much more than guilty but confusion.

            “Confused? I’m not confused. I told you that you’re the only one I could think about—” Tobin was rather upset and offended that Mel was doubting her feelings that she was so sure about.

            “Me? Then, why do I see that face of doubt after Alex left?” Mel wasn’t asking out of spite, she just wanted Tobin to see where she was going with all this.

            “That’s because Alex—”

            “Different. That’s because you finally met someone you thought maybe could be _someone_. Tobs, I’m not saying that you don’t care about me or that what we have and had or did yesterday means nothing. Don’t for a second think that me saying this and trying to reason with you is easy because it isn’t. Seven long years and I finally got to hold you in my arms,” Mel confessed with tears forming in her eyes, “But you need to straighten things out in your head first before you make a decision because if you’re still the same Tobin Heath that I knew before, that Tobin Heath always knew what she wanted and hesitation never tagged along. And today, you hesitated, even for a split second, and that mean that you’re not sure what you’re doing. Just… take your time.” Mel slowly got up and kissed Tobin’s head.

            Mel didn’t expect Tobin to protest after that short speech because she knew that Tobin knew that she was right. Tobin was never the one to hesitate and she knew that she did unconsciously when she saw Alex. While Tobin didn’t think Alex mattered when she was just with Mel, things were different when she was face-to-face. With that, Tobin heard the front door close and her mind was now just a jumbo-mumbo.

            Three weeks had passed and Tobin had been thinking for a very long time. It wasn’t the easiest and after the first week she knew that if it had already taken her this long to figure out what it exactly she was being hesitant about, she knew that she needed to really take her time and not rush into making a decision out of impulse. After three weeks trying to gather her thoughts together, she finally figured out what she wanted to needed to do. Then, it came down to how she was supposed to approach _her_ and her. She didn’t know what she was supposed to say to _her_ and her. She didn’t want to sound like a hypocrite as she had spilled a lot of words to both women. She didn’t know exactly how to go about the situation. However, Tobin realized that it was always better to rip the bandage off fast and clean than slowly. So, she drove over to her place, which happened to be right next to both Alex’s and Mel’s place. She parked her car in the garage and got out. She walked gingerly passed her door and stood in front of Apartment 1713. She took a really deep breath and told herself _Whoever comes to answer the door first is the person I’ll talk to first_. _No chickening out_. That was right. Tobin finally had figured out what she wanted to do and she knew she had to do this. She couldn’t keep both of them wondering and waiting forever. And, she knocked.

            “Just a minute!” Tobin heard and she can swear that her heart just froze.

            “Sorry, I was—Tobin…,” she answered.

            “Hi…” Yes, Tobin’s heart definitely froze and so did her lips and her body. There was no turning back anymore. It was going to _hurt_ and it was going to hurt either way, now or later.


End file.
